Romeo and Juliet With a Hogwarts Twist
by TheShoelessOne
Summary: When the characters of Romeo and Juliet are replaced with the people of Hogwarts, no one is safe. Chapter 11 up!
1. Act One Scene One

Romeo and Juliet- With a Hogwarts TwistA parody by Erin Purdy  
  
Starring:  
-Harry Potter as Romeo  
-Hermione Granger as Juliet  
-Ronald Weasley as Mercutio  
-Neville Longbottom as Benvolio  
-Draco Malfoy as Tybalt  
-Madame Pomfry as The Nurse  
-Prof. Dumbledor as Friar Lawrence  
-Lucius Malfoy as Capulet  
-Mrs. Malfoy as Lady Capulet  
-Vernon Dursley as Montague  
-Petunia Dursley as Lady Montague  
-Gilderoy Lockhart as Prince Escalus  
-Oliver Wood as Paris  
-Fred and George Weasley as Montague Servants  
-Dobby and Winky as Capulet servants  
-Prof. Snape as Chorus  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: Here follows the story of two insubordinate students,  
Both doomed to die by the end of the play,  
If you came to the play  
Expecting a happy end,  
Then you should go boil your head.  
  
Audience: NO SPOILERS!  
  
[Audience throws Blast-Ended Skrewts at Snape]  
  
Snape: FINE! You'll be back...  
  
[Exit Chorus]  
  
Act One- Scene One  
[Curtain opens to reveal busy street of Hogsmeade bustling with Harry Potter characters in a market. Enter Fred and George stage right, Dobby and Winky stage left]  
  
Fred: The Capulets are bloody cowards,  
And I would prove it given the chance,  
For hence come the servants of their house.  
  
George: You sound like a Shakespearian actor, Fred.  
  
Fred: Maybe because this is a Shakespearian play, eh?  
  
George: Oh, is that what it is? I just wanted in on it to get a seat next to Angelina.  
  
[George growls in a suggestive manner]  
  
Fred: Oy! This is a family play! Take that suggestive noise back!  
  
[Fred makes to punch George in the mouth, only to find that George has bitten his thumb]  
  
Fred: OW! That was my thumb!  
  
Dobby: [angry] Does sir bite his thumb at Dobby?  
  
George: No, no, we don't bite our thumb at you, Dobby.  
  
Fred: But you bit my thumb!  
  
Dobby: So sir does bite his thumb at Dobby and Winky! Sir is a Montague and will pay for biting his thumb! [Dobby draws rapier]  
  
George: But I didn't even bite my own thumb! [Draws rapier to block blow from Dobby]  
  
[Fred glances at Winky]  
  
Fred: You do realize that he bit my thumb, don't you?  
  
Winky: How dare sir speak to Winky that way! [Winky draws. Both pairs fight. Enter Neville stage right.]  
  
Neville: Oh, not you four again! Put up your swords!  
  
[Enter Draco]  
  
Draco: Draw, Neville! Face thy death!  
  
George: [still fighting Dobby] See, now HE'S doing it! How do you blokes DO that?  
  
Neville: Draco, you gotta stop these guys fighting, or Prince Lockhart will come and do something horrible to us!  
  
Draco: You always were a wimp, Neville.  
  
Neville: Oh that's it! [Draws]  
  
[Both the Malfoys and the Dursleys hear the commotion and run into the square, prepared to defend their kinsmen]  
  
Draco: Say it! Say it! [Poking Neville in the ribs with his rapier]  
  
Neville: I'm a weenie! I'M A WEENIE!!   
  
[With a clatter of hooves, Prince Lockhart and his entourage arrive in the square, breaking up the fighting immediately]  
  
Lockhart: Apart! Apart! Look upon me now!  
Yes, look upon... [grins widely] me!  
Montagues, Capulets... Now, you're just being silly! Why now do you fight in the streets of fair Hogsmeade?  
  
Fred: He bit my blinkin' thumb, that's why! And, by-the-by, Prince Lockhart, have you got a bandage about you? I think I'm bleeding.  
  
Lockhart: Be still! [throws Fred a bandage] Now you really must stop this, you know. You're frightening us! I'll say... If ever any of you are found fighting in public again, I shall feed you to the Norwegian Ridgebacks!  
  
[Exit Lockhart and entourage. Exit Capulets]  
  
Vernon: I say, Neville, how did all this hullabaloo come about?  
  
Neville: Well, as far as I can tell, Fred and George met Dobby and Winky, George bit Fred's thumb, Dobby took it the wrong way, and they began to fight. As I tried to stop them, Draco called me a wimp, and I defended my honor and myself with my rapier.  
  
Fred: How come Neville gets all the lines?  
  
Petunia: Hush, servant!  
  
[Exit Fred]  
  
Vernon: By the way, have you seen Harry today? He's eluded our sight the whole day!  
  
Neville: He's probably whining over Cho. She dumped him yesterday for Cedric Diggory. I'll go look for him though.  
  
George: Well, my scene is done. Where's Angelina?  
[Exit George, Vernon and Petunia]  
  
[Enter Harry, depressed]  
  
Neville: Oy! Harry! Your dad was just looking for you!  
  
Harry: [groans] Life is so cruel and unfair! Cho, the one I love, doesn't return my love! Plus I have a Potions Final tomorrow.  
  
Neville: You really have got to stop thinking about Cho. She's really not all that great, you know.  
  
Harry: ARGH!! Cho! I love you Cho!  
  
Neville: [sighs] We've got a long day ahead of us.  
  
[Exit all, curtain closes]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: This first scene was boring,  
The rest will be worse.  
I alone saved this play,  
And those who disagree will receive detention.  
  
[Exit Chorus] 


	2. Act One Scene Two

Romeo and Juliet- With a Hogwarts Twist  
  
bAct One- Scene Two/b  
[Curtain opens to reveal a street outside Capulet's house. Lucius and Oliver are walking together, talking quietly]  
  
Oliver: Oh, come off it, old Capulet! I mean, sure your daughter is only 13, but... hey...  
  
Lucius: I agree that you're a good man to marry my 13- YEAR- OLD daughter, but she is a bit young. Maybe if you come to my happinin' shindig at my groovy pad, just maybe Hermione will find you attractive.  
  
Oliver: Maybe?! She'll be on me like a rogue bludger on Harry Potter!  
  
Lucius: Unless she is, I suggest you wait a few years to marry her. Servant!  
  
[Enter Dobby]  
  
Lucius: Take this list and seek out the names listed. They are all coming to my happinin' shindig.  
  
[Exit Lucius and Oliver]  
  
Dobby: Dobby would deliver message if only poor Dobby could read! But since Dobby cannot, Dobby must seek out someone who can.  
  
[Enter Harry and Neville]  
  
Dobby: Good sirs, could one of you please read this list to Dobby?  
  
Harry: Of course! [Aside] Stupid illiterate House Elves...--  
Minerva McGonagall, Rubeus Hagrid, Cho Chang, Prince Lockhart, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe and Sybil Trelawney.  
  
Dobby: Of course! These are the people that Master is wanting Dobby to bring to his happinin' shindig at his groovy pad! Sirs have been most kind to Dobby, and if sirs are not Montagues, sirs may come to Master's happinin' shindig!  
  
[Exit Dobby]  
  
Neville: Now here's your chance to forget about that hussy Cho! You can check out the girls at Capulet's party!  
  
Harry: Fine, I'll go... But only to check out Cho in all her Quidditch-y splendor.  
  
Neville: ... George would kill you if he heard you say splendor....  
  
[Exit all, close curtains]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: Wasn't that short,  
Well too bad for you.  
We've got three scenes and  
4 acts left to do.  
  
Audience: Get off the stage, you scene stealing hack!  
  
Snape: ARGH! Galaxy Quest flashbacks!  
  
[Exit Chorus, screaming in a mad rage.] 


	3. Act One Scene Three

Romeo and Juliet- With a Hogwarts Twist  
  
Act One- Scene Three  
[Curtain opens to reveal Hermione's bedroom. Mrs. Malfoy enters to find Madame Pomfry.]  
  
Malfoy: I must speak to Hermione. It is very urgent.  
  
Pomfry: Oh yes, how Hermione is budding! Why, it was just yesterday that I was feeding her and cradling her and eating cake... She's so perfect and beautiful! She was just telling me how bright the sun was and that cheese was yellow! The birds sang, though they sing everyday by my shoe, and Hermione was just flying with joy, singing about black cows and the moon made of milk!... but how I ramble...  
  
Malfoy: Quite.  
  
Pomfry: Hermione! Come 'ere you precious girl! You pretty-as-a-lamb-on-a-spring-day-with-blue-pretty-flowers-in-your-wool!  
  
Malfoy: For God's sake woman, shut up!  
  
[Enter Hermione]  
  
Hermione: Yes, O nurse?  
  
Pomfry: O how she glows! She's so beautiful and angelic and cherubic and perfect and wonderful and glorious and jumped-right-out-of-a-painting-that-  
  
Malfoy: Shut it! [to Hermione] I must discuss something for your future with you, dearest Hermione.  
  
Hermione: MIT, mother! MIT!  
  
Malfoy: [flustered] What?!  
  
Hermione: I wanna go to MIT!  
  
Malfoy: I'm talking about getting married, twit!  
  
Hermione:... Oh... To who?  
  
Malfoy: The fair County... Oliver Wood!  
  
Pomfry: Ooh! Sir Oliver Wood! "Wood" I love to be in your shoes, fairest Hermione! That Oliver... [makes unnecessary noise]  
  
Hermione:... That's disgusting.  
  
Malfoy: At least check him out at the happinin' shindig...  
  
Hermione: Okay... But I won't like him...  
  
[Exit all, curtain falls]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: That nurse is disgusting,  
I hope you agree.  
Now onto scene four,  
Please forget about scene three.  
  
[Exit Chorus, shuddering] 


	4. Act One Scene Four

Romeo and Juliet- With a Hogwarts Twist  
  
Act One- Scene Four  
[Curtain opens on street in Hogsmeade. Enter Harry, Neville and Ron and extras heading to Capulet's house]  
  
Ron: You're far to somber for a party, Harry! Cheer up!  
  
Neville: He's still whining over Cho.  
  
Ron: God, not that old pill again! You really need to forget about her, y'know? She's nothin' but an overrated Capulet, you know.  
  
Harry: Gripe, moan, whine, cry. I had a dream last night that I was gonna die.  
  
Ron: Ooh! Here come my best lines of the whole play! Just you wait, Tony Awards! Ahem... At night, when the moon is full, Queen Mab-  
  
Justin: Queen Mab? Do you mean like in Merlin?  
  
Ron: Ahem. At night, when the moon is full, Queen Mab flies around in-  
  
Justin: Because that Queen Mab is a really mean lady. I mean, she creates Merlin then tries to kill him!  
  
Ron: SILENCE!!  
  
[Silence ensues]  
  
Ron: Good. Now, at night, when the moon is full, Queen Mab flies around in her tiny dream carriage-  
  
Justin: Merlin shoulda just pounded her ass for doin' that, Queen Mab or no Queen Mab.  
  
Ron: That's it, you die!!  
[Ron draws and chases Justin around the set with his sword. Harry steps in]  
  
Harry: Peace, Ron! You were speaking of dreams!  
  
Ron: That guy messed up my best lines of the play, Harry! He shouldn't live!  
  
Justin: [offstage] I'm entitled to my opinion!  
  
Ron: Fine! I'll just have to go through this real quick with you Harry because SOMEONE KEPT MESSING UP MY LINES!! Forget about your dreams, Harry! They're just   
dreams! Get over it!  
  
Harry: Y'know, you're right, Ron. I really shouldn't rely on dreams... So let's go get drunk at Capulet's party!  
  
Ron: Let's!  
  
[Exit all, curtain closes]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: I'm getting quite bored,  
Wake me up when it's done,  
I'll be there backstage,  
Room 300 and one.  
  
[Exit Chorus] 


	5. Act One Scene Five

Romeo and Juliet- With a Hogwarts Twist  
  
Act 1- Scene 5  
[Suitors and masks arrive at Capulet's house, Capulet meeting them at the door.]  
  
Lucius: Why, I remember when we were young, we went to our first mask. You were quite the looker in your green evening gown.  
  
Malfoy: You can't even remember breakfast let alone the color of my evening gown, you old fogey.  
  
Lucius: We had breakfast?  
  
[As Ron tries futilely to hit on Capulet girls, Harry suddenly spies Hermione across the room]  
  
Harry: Holy paintball gremlins! She's gorgeous! Must... have...  
  
[Harry's excessive drooling alerts the attention of Draco]  
  
Draco: What? What the hell is a Montague doing at our happinin' shindig?! It's... it's that goody-goody Harry! Uncle Lucius! There's an icky Montague at our happinin' shindig!  
  
Lucius: Ah, he isn't doing any harm. Let him be, Draco me boy.  
  
Draco: Let him... Okay, who spiked my Uncle's punch? ... But I swear, Harry... I'll kill you for showing up at our happinin' shindig at our groovy pad.... Wow, that threat really fell out at the end didn't it?  
  
Harry: Eeeeyyy, what's happening beautiful?  
  
Hermione: Gee, you're smooth.  
  
Harry: Aren't I?  
  
Hermione: Despite your degrading speech and arrogant manner, I find myself strangely attracted to you...  
  
Harry: And I you!  
  
[The party starts suddenly and strangely filing out]  
  
Harry: Well that was a short party.  
  
Hermione: Farewell dark-haired one! We shall never meet again!  
  
[Hermione leaves]  
  
Harry: [to Nurse] Who IS that babe?  
  
Pomfry: Why, she's the most beautiful, kind, sweet, admirable, nimblest, fastest, toughest, could-paint-a-right-good-picture-of-her flashiness that could be a-  
  
Harry: Talk a lot, don't you?  
  
Pomfry: Hrmph... She's Hermione Capulet, daughter of-  
  
Harry: Hermione CAPULET? What have I done!? I can't love a Capulet! ... Who am I kidding? This is LOVE!  
  
Pomfry: You're not the bright type, are you?  
  
[Exit all, curtain closes]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: Could you please hurry this up,  
I've got an appointment at two,  
I'd rather get my teeth pulled  
Than have to sit here with you.  
  
[Exit Chorus] 


	6. Act Two Scene One

Act Two- Scene One  
[Curtain opens on the orchard wall just outside Capulet's house. The party of maskers meanders drunkenly down the alley.]  
  
Ron: [drunk] Oy, Neville me boy. Whurr de ye thinkin' ole Harry be goin'?  
  
Neville: [also drunk] Mebbe 'e's still whinin' over Ch- err... Ch-... Choooo.  
  
Ron: HARRY!! OY! HAPPY HAPPY HARRY!! Yeh... Yeh coom on out now, we're too drunk to coom and find yeh...  
  
Neville: Well mebbe we should let 'im whine over Ch- err... Ch-... Cho.  
  
Ron: Naw, 'taint healthy fer 'im. HARRY! LOVE-SICK PRETTY BOY PERFECT EXAMPLE HAAAARRY!!..... HARRY AND CHO SITTIN' IN A TREE!! K-I-S-... Er, Neville, what comes next?  
  
Neville: More wine, I hope.  
  
Ron: Eh, well it don' matter no more. Harry'll come to 'is senses soon, eh? OH HARRY BOY OH HARRY BOY, FERGIT THAT STUPID HOOOOOE!!  
  
Justin: Why do I always have to be the designated driver?  
  
Ron: 'Cuz you're a bloody stick-in-the-mud 'oo ruins me best-est-est-est lines, what's whoo.   
  
[As the drunken procession veers over the road, the curtain closes.]  
  
[Enter Chorus]   
  
Snape: We finally updated,   
Aren't you glad?  
Too bad there's so little  
Text to be had.  
  
Angry Reviewer: This should be combined with Scene Two!  
  
Snape:... Nah.  
  
[Exit Chorus] 


	7. Act Two Scene Two

Act Two- Scene Two  
[Curtain opens to reveal Capulet's orchard with Harry trying to scale the wall]  
  
Harry: Love.... conquers.... all...  
  
[Harry falls down the wall... again]  
  
Harry: Great gobs of gopher meat! The maskers are coming!  
  
[As drunken maskers wander down the street, the power of love propells Harry up the orchard wall, where he clings for dear life. After they have gone, Harry climbs down the other side of the wall.]  
  
Harry: Hey, this must be where Hermione sleeps. Heh... All the things I could-  
  
Hermone: Harry-  
  
Harry: Crud! I've been spotted! Run or face my-  
  
Hermione: If I could only see my dearest Harry again. Too bad he's a stinky Montague.  
  
Harry: Oh. So I haven't been caught. Hmm... Listen to her inermost secrets involving me or flee? C'mon, I'm not THAT stupid.  
  
Hermione: Well... so WHAT if he's a Montague? He is too good for that name! I love him no matter what his name is! If he were lying in wait at the bottom of my balcony listening to my every word and sickering like a smitten schoolboy, then I would wish him to leap up and into my arms!  
  
Harry:... She asked for it. [emerges from hiding spot] I was listening to you from a hidden spot under your balcony and snickering like a smitten schoolboy! But I wub you too! Gimmie huggles!  
  
Hermione: Okay, getting a little too close there, cowboy.  
  
Harry: But... you said you loved me!  
  
Hermione: I did, didn't I? Hmmm... Well, I know that if anyone really loved me, he would run immediately out and get us hitched!  
  
[Harry dashes suddenly from his spot]  
  
Hermione: HEY! Where are you going?  
  
Harry: To get us hitched, of course! You want the red or white flowers?  
  
Hermione: Don't you think this is a bit-  
  
Pomfry: Oh little poppy seed named Hermione! It's time for your pre-bedtime spongebath! C'mere, you fluffy-little-lovable-wooly-sheep-who-baa's-us-to-sleep-with-her-nighttime-songs-of-beauty-and-love-and-caring-that-is-sweet-and-nurturing!!  
  
Hermione: ..... Okay, I want the red flowers and a small wedding, got me?  
  
Harry: Of course my snuggly-wuggly love!  
  
Hermione: [Aside] What am I getting myself into? And yet... I love him too...  
  
Harry: La dee da, gonna get me married! Yessiree!  
  
Hermione: What's the alternative?  
  
[Harry skips offstage and Hermione enters the house again. Curtain closes.]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: Don't mushy scenes put a tear in your eye?  
Don't some of them want to make you cry?  
Of course I'm crying out of pain,  
Get me out of here! I can't remain!!  
  
[Exit Chorus] 


	8. Act Two Scene Three

Act 2- Scene 3  
  
[Curtain opens on Friar Dumbledor's cell, the Friar sorting through assorted plants.]  
  
Dumbledor: Plants all have their own special secrets.  
Some may be vaguely foreshadowing.  
But THIS one is VERY foreshadowing.  
Now this plant practically shoves foreshadowing down your throat!  
See kids? Shakespeare LOVED foreshadowing.  
  
[Enter Harry]  
  
Harry: Oy! Friar Dumbledor! I need to talk to you!  
  
Dumbledor: You aren't here to whine about Cho again are you?  
  
Harry: Who?... Oh yeah, her. No way, Friar! This girl Hermione is way hotter and -guess what?!- she loves me too!   
  
Dumbledor: Now wait just a minute... You've been crying on my shoulder for weeks about Cho! When did you meet this girl, last night?  
  
Harry: Yeah, right on the button.  
  
Dumbledor: Just who is this girl anyway?  
  
Harry: Oh, err... Hermione Capulet.  
  
Dumbledor: Holy Saint Smurf!! A Capulet and a Montague?!  
  
Harry: Yeah, and we need you to marry us..... like, tonight.  
  
[Long pause ensues as the two stare at each other]  
  
Dumbledor: Fine.... fine... Maybe if I marry you two, your families will stop being babies and make up.  
  
Harry: Yippie! I get to be married!  
  
[Exit all, close curtain]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: Now we're done with scene three,  
I'm falling asleep.  
Wake me up when it's time for my part,  
I'll be offstage counting sheep.  
  
[Exit Chorus] 


	9. Act Two Scene Four

Act Two- Scene Four  
  
Ron: God, I'm hungover...  
  
Neville: That's what you get for drinking so bloody much!  
  
Ron: How is it that YOU don't have a hangover?  
  
Neville: [Pats his round stomach] Alcohol storage.  
  
Ron: Say what?!  
  
Neville: Alcohol storage!  
  
Ron: Ugh... Ladies and gentlemen, we have a comedian...  
  
Neville: Say, Ron, aren't you a bit worried about Harry? I didn't see him come back from the mask. His father's been asking about him all night and through the day.  
  
Ron: If the boy wants to get himself hammered and fall into a drunken stupor in some back alley, I'm not stopping him...   
  
Neville: Oh, speaking of Harry...  
  
[Neville reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large manila envelope.]  
  
Neville: Draco sent Harry a letter.  
  
Ron: Are you in the habit of searching through other peoples' mail?  
  
Neville: No! I mean, well-  
  
Ron: I'll bet you anything it's a challenge. That bloody coward can bite me, for all I care. And, hell, maybe if I muss him up a bit, Harry might have a chance.  
  
Neville: Win or not, Harry'll take the challenge.  
  
Ron: Because he's a STUPID LOVE-CRAZED BUGGER!!  
  
[Enter Harry]  
  
Harry: Hey... that wasn't very nice...  
  
Ron: I know it wasn't, but that's my character's trait.   
  
Harry: Just like mine is naive and love-crazed.  
  
Neville: And mine's the best-friend stereotype.  
  
Ron: Y'know, Harry, I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but my head feels like it's being crushed by an army of angry anvils.  
  
Harry: It's for the best, because I'm not exactly the brightest crayon in the box.  
  
[Enter Pomfry and Dobby]  
  
Ron: Oh, God, someone gouge out my eyes! She's hideous!  
  
Pomfry: Dobby, hand me my fan.  
  
Ron: Yes, for God's sake, Dobby, give her the fan! I can't stand the horror for much longer!  
  
Pomfry: Is one of you fine-looking gentlemen Harry?  
  
Harry: [frightened] I-I-I'm sorry, but my heart belongs to another!  
  
Ron: Run, man! She wants your flesh!  
  
Pomfry: Now calm down! I'm just here to deliver a message from my sweet, wonderful, caring, beautiful, gentile, budding, well-groomed-  
  
Harry: Okay, you can stop! I know you're talking about Hermione! [Turns to Ron and Neville] Don't you two have poor innocent rats to chase?  
  
Ron: Why, I had completely forgotten! Come on Neville!  
  
[Exit Ron and Neville]  
  
Harry: So, what says my lady?  
  
Pomfry: My lady Hermione, the adoring and fabulous girl she is, says that she will meet you wherever you arrange -ai me!- and that she'll give her life to you -ai me!- and she'll have plenty of tiny Hermiones -ai me!-  
  
Harry: Can you just shut up for once?! Just tell Hermione to meet me behind Friar Dumbledor's and we'll get hitched. And tell her to bring... a... rope... ladder...  
  
Pomfry: Rope ladder?  
  
Harry: Don't question me, woman! Tonight! Hermione! Friar Dumbledor's! ROPE. LADDER.   
  
[Exit Harry]  
  
Pomfry: .......... I wonder what she sees in him...  
  
[Exit all, curtain closes]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: And so the plot thickens  
  
Or is it "thick plottens?"  
  
Oh, who really cares?  
  
What the hell rhymes with "plottens?"  
  
Audience: That's not fair! We expect a REAL rhyme!  
  
Snape: ... It's been almost a year since we've done this. Give us a break!  
  
[Exit Chorus]  
  
AN: So, what did you think about my triumphant return? It's been so long, I don't think anyone will remember me. Oh well. Enjoy the new chapter for now, and the next one soon to come! 


	10. Act Two Scene Five

Act Two- Scene Five  
  
[Curtain opens on Capulet's orchard, a fretting Hermione frantically pacing in the begonias.]  
  
Hermione: By Merlin, I sent that wicked nurse off hours ago! Surely she's met with Harry by now? The boy isn't that hard to find. But what if she didn't meet him? Oh, she's a frigid, infertile, malicious, rabid, bitter, vile, insipid-  
  
[Enter Nurse]  
  
Hermione: Insipidly wonderful, I mean!  
  
Pomfry: Don't think I didn't hear you...  
  
Hermione: Hear me? Hear what? I think you're growing senile in you age.  
  
Pomfry: If you weren't such a lamb, I'd slaughter you.  
  
Hermione: ... Uhh... What do I say to that? ... Er... What news from Harry?  
  
Pomfry: Weeeeeell......  
  
Hermione: He's changed his mind?! Does he not love me anymore?!  
  
Pomfry: I was just about to say -  
  
Hermione: He spat at you and defecated on your shoes?! Say it isn't so!  
  
Pomfry: If you'll just settle down -  
  
Hermione: He puts a pox on my soul?! Oh, say no more, good Nurse!  
  
Pomfry: Lady Hermione, just listen for a -  
  
Hermione: Oh, cold hard earth, take me now, for I no longer wish live!!  
  
Pomfry: Don't you ever shut up?!  
  
Dobby: Not often Dobby witnesses role-reversal, sirs.  
  
Pomfry: I thought I told you to wait by the gate!  
  
Dobby: Sir must have forgotten... as usual...  
  
[Exit Dobby, sulking]  
  
Hermione: Well... If you'd hurry up and talk I wouldn't have to kill myself.  
  
Pomfry: [aside] Perish the thought...  
  
Hermione: What was that?!  
  
Pomfry: I was just thinking about what Harry was saying to me this afternoon.  
  
Hermione: FINALLY, we're getting to the subject.  
  
Pomfry: He told me that he would be happy to marry you, and that you are in the absolute necessity of bringing a rope ladder.  
  
Hermione: Rope ladder? Why in God's name would I need a rope ladder? Is that my ring? Are we going to fling rope ladders over each other in happy wedlock?!  
  
Pomfry: Your guess is as good as mine, my lady. Anyway, Sir Harry wishes you to be at Friar Dumbledor's tonight to get hitched.  
  
Hermione: Yess! Score! Go me!  
  
[Exit All, curtain closes]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: Script form is easy to write,  
  
So don't applaud us much.  
  
Or perhaps a standing ovation?  
  
It helps our egos, such.  
  
[Exit Chorus]  
  
----------------------  
  
AN: I know that these are so short, please don't skewer me with your tiny review spoons! I'll deliver more! I promise! 


	11. Act Two Scene Six

Act Two- Scene Six  
  
[Curtain opens to reveal Harry and Friar Dumbledor standing within Dumbledor's cell. Harry is pacing madly.]  
  
Harry: What if she's a no-show? I love her too much to not marry her.  
  
Dumbledor: You've known the girl for twelve hours-  
  
Harry: Eleven hours!  
  
Dumbledor: ... Eleven hours... I don't know if you should expect for her to show up, Harry.  
  
Harry: Well, no matter what happens, I'll always love Hermione over anything else that might come between us! ... Is that a cake?  
  
Dumbledor: Yes. A wedding cake for the happy couple.  
  
Harry: GLEE!  
  
[Harry runs to where the cake sits on a table and stares lovingly at it.]  
  
Harry: Cake, I'll always love you over anything else that might come between us! The bonds of our love will be tested through time, and every time, we will overcome!  
  
[Suddenly, a rope ladder lands on Harry's head as Hermione enters.]  
  
Hermione: There, are we married yet?  
  
Harry: What? What's this? A rope ladder? Why would you want to bring a rope ladder to a wedding? That's just silly!  
  
Hermione: But you said-  
  
Harry: Hush! Our wedding begins! We have our whole married life to bicker, so why start now?  
  
Hermione: Why? Why am I doing this? Am I so completely love-starved that I will sink to this level?  
  
Harry: I can hear you, you know.  
  
Hermione: Like you said, our wedding begins!  
  
Dumbledor: Lord, forgive me for the evil that I am about to commit unto this world...  
  
Harry (singing): I'm gettin' married! I'm gettin' married! I'm gettin' married!  
  
Hermione: But, hey, the sex will be great, right? Right? Please oh please let it be great...  
  
[Exit all, curtain falls.]  
  
[Enter Chorus]  
  
Snape: Though it wasn't very quick,  
  
So ends the boring Act Four.  
  
I was getting so sick,  
  
I'm so glad there's no more.  
  
Audience: So... there's no more play?  
  
Snape: No, to my chagrin, there are two more dreadful acts. Why, why was I so cursed? WHY?  
  
[Exit Chorus] 


End file.
